Square Dance
by Muriel Candytuft
Summary: If you wish to God that Mary Sues...especially the ones targeted at poor Peter...would die a miserable death, this story goes out to you.


Square Dance

A/N: This is inspired in part by Stormtracer's "This Lion's Had It!" If you wish to God that Mary Sues (especially the ones targeted at poor Peter) would die a miserable death, this story goes out to you.

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Peter stood on a cliff overlooking the beach and Cair Paravel, quietly contemplating random things.

"Oooh! I want to 'completate' random things too! How romantic!" a squeaky voice lisped behind him.

_Oh, dear God, it's another one. I'd know that voice anywhere--the squeak, the lisp, the mispronunciation of 'contemplate'._ Peter's mind raced with terror, but he slowly turned and faced the speaker. She was, of course, a tall, busty young girl with red hair and green eyes.

"Who...are...you?" Peter questioned slowly.

"My name is Marianna Susanna Luciana Tabitha Cordelia Anastasia many-other-grandiose-names-that-end-with-'A' dePaquet," the girl said, in what was probably supposed to be a seductive voice with a fake British accent. "You can call me Mary Sue for short."

"What do I do to deserve this?" Peter muttered, turning his back on the 'Sue and focusing on the immense ocean a mile below him. That would have been the end of it, if this particular Mary Sue hadn't been so insistent. She grabbed Peter's shoulders and whirled him around.

"Excuse me, YOUR MAJESTY," the Mary Sue squeaked, batting incredibly voluminous lashes at Peter, "but I think you fail to realize that my hair is immeasurably thick with a glossy auburn hue, and that my eyes are an extremely startling shade of purest emerald, and that my ivory face is unfathomably beautiful and I have marvelously soft lips and that I have an exquisitely stunning gown..."

After four more hours of Mary Sue's describing herself, Peter sighed and sat down on a rock. "All right, you lost me after 'my hair is...'."

Mary Sue stepped back, tears quivering in her sparkly eyes. "I--I said that my hair is immeasurably thick with a glossy auburn--"

"PLEASE. Speak English. Please."

"Red hair, green eyes!" Mary Sue burst out tearfully.

"Thank you. They're rather nice."

Mary Sue perked up immediately. "OH! OH! OH! That is highest praise from the soft lips of the strong, silent, High King!"

"No, it was meant to shut you up," Peter corrected, standing up from the rock he sat on.

Again Mary Sue burst into tears.

"And please just stop that blathering; it means about as much to me as--"

"OH! What a miserable life I lead!" Mary Sue shrieked, tears streaming down her "unfathomably beautiful" face. "Oh, I might as well just throw myself off the cliff right now and end my sad existence! Nobody back home would miss me!"

Peter sighed; much to his horror, he felt slight pity for this dumb creature. "All right, listen. There's no need to throw yourself off a cliff or--"

He shouldn't have said that. Immediately she flung her arms around his neck, nearly suffocating him.

"You mean," she shrieked, "that you LOVE me!" Before the poor young man could answer, she snapped her fingers, and the "Titanic" theme began to play over an invisible loudspeaker. "Shall we dance?" she grinned, her face uncomfortably close to his.

"I'd rather not," Peter began to say, but too late. Mary Sue began to square dance, holding his hands and flinging him around under the shade of the trees.

"Listen, you twit," Peter shouted as the 'Sue swung him round and round. "I am sick of you and your kind always attacking me here! You make the third Mary Sue this week, and it's only Monday, and let me tell you, I'm blooming sick of it!"

"What's that, darling? Can't hear you over the romantic music!"

Peter was beginning to feel a bit dizzy from do-si-do-ing. "Oh, that this 'Sue would jump off the cliff like she wanted to!"

The square dance suddenly turned into a slow dance, and Mary Sue said, in a ridiculously sweet voice, "Peter, I'm so good and angelic, that I would jump off a thousand cliffs for you!" With that, she pressed her "marvelously soft" lips against his.

Reeling away from the kiss in disgust, Peter yelled, "By the Lion, you bloody woman-like creature, get out of my sight!"

"Take me away!" Mary Sue staggered towards him, hands clasped. "Take me to your shining castle by the sea where we can ride a horse together and eat chocolate and have little children and play cricket and defend the country and--"

Suddenly Mary Sue tripped over the hem of her "exquisitely stunning" gown. She tottered, and then screamed as she hurtled headlong over the cliff.

Peter stared over the edge of the precipice as Marianna Susanna Luciana Tabitha Cordelia Anastasia many-other-grandiose-names-that-end-with-"A" dePaquet fell. All the way down, she shouted, "This will ruin my immeasurably thick hair with a glossy auburn huuue..." She hit the water with a great, sparkly splash.

"By God, what do I do to deserve this?" Peter murmured, before shaking his head with relief and leaving the cliff.

Please don't flame!


End file.
